(July 2009)
The British may be in danger of losing their identity these days as the country becomes more and more multi-cultural and as it sinks slowly beneath the waves of the European Union, but one thing they haven’t lost is their sense of humour.
It can be the most subtle humour in the world, or the most outrageous, but there’s nobody else in the world who can match the British when it comes to wit and irreverence.
Private Eye is the UK’s best-selling satirical magazine and has been published since 1961. It’s been frequently sued for libel and has become the arch-enemy of Britain’s ‘establishment’ … but the British public love it.
After a Private Eye reader with the unlikely name of Carl Isleunited wrote to the magazine in September (2008), alerting them to the danger of football fans trying to infiltrate the Letters page, readers jumped on the wagon and, with typical British wit, turned the whole issue into a ridiculous literary marathon (Carl Isleunited, of course, is a play on the name of the football team Carlisle United)
Private Eye responded to the letter in their normal manner:
"Private Eye is not only Britain’s biggest selling news and current affairs magazine – a unique combination of journalism and jokes every fortnight - it’s also the publication with the highest number of readers with bizarre, made-up names"
And then it began ...
Sir,
There’s something fishy about the names of many of your correspondents these days. Please be more vigilant regarding this matter.
Yours faithfully,
HAL IBUT.
-----
Sir,
It is intolerable that you continue to treat the subject of obesity and the importance of a politically-correct diet with such levity.
Yours flatulently,
DON R. KERR-BABB
-----
Sir,
Any chance of a mention of my old chums Jim Nastix and Jock St Rappa?
Thanks awfully.
SIR KIT TRAINOR
-----
Sir,
This silly predilection for made-up names is reducing the Eye to the level of a children’s comic and should be stopped.
DAN DEE and B. KNOW
-----
Sir,
As a reader from the United Arab Emirates, I am confused as to why your readers would send in letters to you with obviously made-up names. This would never happen in my country.
SHEIKH YOURBOOTY.
Sir,
I believe this pseudo name silliness should be drawn to a close.
ANNETTE CURTAIN.
-----
Sir,
When will your tedious and silly section on made-up names finally come to an end?
WENDY FATLADYSINGS.
-----
Sir,
As the head of a troubled bank, I am truly grateful to you for your Pseudo Names section as it takes my mind off suicide.
OWEN BILLIONS.
-----
Sir,
Please don’t stop them, if you do I’ll jump.
SUE E. SIDAL.
Sir,
Don’t think you’ve seen the end of letters from people with made-up names, because you haven’t. There’ll be plenty more.
HUGH MARK MYWORDS.
-----
Sir,
Gordon Brown has just resigned!
APRIL FEWELL.
-----
Sir,
We suggest that you copyright your amusing pseudonyms section, as the media are a bunch of pirates.
R. JIMLAD
SHIVA MITIMBARS.
-----
Sir,
Eventually your Pseudo Names section will end. It will be sad, but what can you do?
KAY SAYRAH.
-----
Sir,
Due to the cleverness of your readers and the near infinite array of possibilities available in the English language, I’m afraid I see no end in sight to this nonsense.
CLARE VOYANT.
-----
Sir,
It has been most amusing reading the Pseudo Names correspondence, but care should be taken to edit out some of the ruder names.
MARTHA FARQHUAR.
Sir,
These people clamouring for a bit of attention by getting their letters in Pseudo Names – it’s all a bit childish, isn’t it?
L. O’MUM.
-----
Sir,
Please, please don’t stop doing Pseudo Names. It’s a refreshingly silly item in an otherwise worthy rag. For Beelzebub’s sake, cut that pathetic name-list, damn you all!
JACQUELINE HYDE.
-----
Sir,
I consider your Pseudo Name feature to be anti-Islamic – and I know where your correspondents live.
G. HADD.
-----
(THE EDITOR TRIES TO CLOSE THE SUBJECT)
"Many thanks to the hundreds of readers who have contributed so thoughtfully to this correspondence which is now concluded. Maybe. Ed."
-----
Sir,
You should not be browbeaten into ending your Pseudo Names feature by threats from your correspondent G. Hadd. People like that should be locked up.
JUAN TANAMO.
Sir,
Re the Editor’s suggestion in response to Mr G. Hadd’s letter to end this correspondence. Should this occur, then it may well lead to further troubles.
CHRISTIAN UPRISING.
-----
Sir,
The economy of the civilised world is wrecked and you expect us to make up silly names!
D. KLEINOFF
D. WEST.
-----
Sir,
Instead of making up silly names, why don’t your contributors read a good book?
WARREN PEACE.
-----
Sir,
The Pseudo Names section of your organ just confirms for me that your magazine is going to the dogs!
JACK RUSSELL
(Barking)
-----
Sir,
I can’t help feeling that some of the Pseudo Names have not been easy to translate. I’d be glad to help with this if required.
ROSETTA STONE.
-----
Sir,
Can’t we find some common ground between those who want to keep it going and those who want to end it?
BARRY D. HATCHETT.
Sir,
We’ve just been reading the Eye in the lounge at Gatwick Airport and we think that Pseudo Names is brilliant.
A. RIVALS and D. PARTURES.
-----
...And so it continued ...